I am sick of getting my hopes up for NOTHING.

Pretty much sums up my feelings these past months.

Maybe I’m idealistic for thinking that if you show interest, work hard and perform considerably well… the people around you will take notice and give you opportunities to learn more.

I can’t stop myself from being interested in this area. After all, I have decided that this will become my lifelong career path. I can’t stop myself from working hard. After all, when you are interested in something you would WANT to work hard for it right? And I do think I am performing well, or at least up to expectations.

So why can’t my career ever be smooth sailing for me?

I can’t help but feel envious, irritated and frustrated that I have to work doubly hard to get what I earned, while others just got lucky. My “opportunity” comes with a price and while I am “in debt”, I cannot accept any of the other “free” opportunities that came along.

I am not even gonna talk about other matters with regards to training and whatnots. 

Back in May when I first found out that I would be “sacrificed”, I was upset. I think it was heartless to just leave ONE person behind while everyone else went for “retreat. Am I not part of the team? It hurts ‘cos I always work hard, both as an individual and as a team player. But no one batted an eyelid when it came to leaving me behind. After some time, I persuaded myself I was staying behind for good reason and moved on.

Today when I heard that I was not the one attending, I tried very hard but failed in trying not to be upset. No one informed me and I felt incredibly stupid for still being hopeful that I might be able to attend. It was akin to falling flat on your face. I was really excited that they are finally conducting a training workshop for this. After missing this opportunity, how long more do I have to wait for something like this to spring up again? Am I being “sacrificed” again since I am a more “senior” trainee? What good is there in your ability to perform better other than to be exploited and taken advantage of?

It is not fair to use my “paid for” opportunity against me. I PAID for it!!! I WORKED and FOUGHT for it!!! 

 

Perhaps it’s better to learn slower and look lost so that people will look out for you?

I am disappointed and tired.