pages out of a mediocre existence

I am sick of getting my hopes up for NOTHING. July 16, 2013

Pretty much sums up my feelings these past months.

Maybe I’m idealistic for thinking that if you show interest, work hard and perform considerably well… the people around you will take notice and give you opportunities to learn more.

I can’t stop myself from being interested in this area. After all, I have decided that this will become my lifelong career path. I can’t stop myself from working hard. After all, when you are interested in something you would WANT to work hard for it right? And I do think I am performing well, or at least up to expectations.

So why can’t my career ever be smooth sailing for me?

I can’t help but feel envious, irritated and frustrated that I have to work doubly hard to get what I earned, while others just got lucky. My “opportunity” comes with a price and while I am “in debt”, I cannot accept any of the other “free” opportunities that came along.

I am not even gonna talk about other matters with regards to training and whatnots. 

Back in May when I first found out that I would be “sacrificed”, I was upset. I think it was heartless to just leave ONE person behind while everyone else went for “retreat. Am I not part of the team? It hurts ‘cos I always work hard, both as an individual and as a team player. But no one batted an eyelid when it came to leaving me behind. After some time, I persuaded myself I was staying behind for good reason and moved on.

Today when I heard that I was not the one attending, I tried very hard but failed in trying not to be upset. No one informed me and I felt incredibly stupid for still being hopeful that I might be able to attend. It was akin to falling flat on your face. I was really excited that they are finally conducting a training workshop for this. After missing this opportunity, how long more do I have to wait for something like this to spring up again? Am I being “sacrificed” again since I am a more “senior” trainee? What good is there in your ability to perform better other than to be exploited and taken advantage of?

It is not fair to use my “paid for” opportunity against me. I PAID for it!!! I WORKED and FOUGHT for it!!! 

Perhaps it’s better to learn slower and look lost so that people will look out for you?

I am disappointed and tired. 

僥倖中的不幸？ November 29, 2010

i’d meant to write a post-holiday reflection… but couldn’t get my mind to settle down properly. will save it for another day.

lately, my head’s filled with worries about the upcoming marathon. ha, though it’s only a measly 10km run yet for someone who’s struggled through every PFT in school, it’s quite a big deal. =) i’m actually glad that i signed up for it.

heard Sandy Lam /林憶蓮’s song on the radio while on the way to work today. some of her songs, which i can still vividly remember, contain lyrics that are particularly bittersweet. (loved 不必在乎我是誰, 為你我受冷風吹, 傷痕) and as i listen to them at this age, it’s rather depressing. oh, well… =( 我是從來沒有失戀過，所以沒有所謂的“心痛”過。可能有些人會覺得這是我的僥倖，但是我覺得這是我的不幸。

“女人若沒人愛多可悲” － i’m always very defensive about this issue but i do admit that human beings are essentially social creatures, and there are times where i have felt lonely. it wasn’t a very good feeling.

finding October 30, 2010

i’m still in the midst of finding, though.

tiger uproar October 3, 2010

mum casually remarked to me 2 days ago that tiger airways has cancelled several flights. on an ordinary day, this would just be extra tidbits of information… except that now, we’re due to fly to Perth in another month’s time. and this news is surely disturbing. as usual, i lightly brushed off her concerns and reassured that such things can happen from time to time.

that is until i browsed through straits times yesterday. i am now very concerned. the latest uproar pertaining to tiger airways’ large-scale flight cancellations has continued for at least 2 days, with almost half of their daily flights cancelled. the angry comments left on their facebook page, forums and blogs are growing and it is alarming that after one full day of massive cancellations, they followed up with the same action the next day. it seems like they’re not planning to stop anytime soon, and also not about to provide adequate compensation.

perhaps it was a good thing that i delayed planning for the trip, such that any bookings/itinerary hasn’t been confirmed. but it leaves me stranded as to when i should start to plan and make bookings, in the scenario that the situation stays the same. i wouldn’t want to arrive in Perth in the wee hours with no pickups and accommodation.

really feel sorry for the affected passengers. and i hope that one month is enough for them to fix things.

沈思 October 3, 2010

那寂寞　有些許不同　我挑著留下沒說
那生活　還過分激動　沒什麼我已經以為能夠把握

夜深人靜   聽著張懸的歌  勾起了些感觸
其實並不太了解詞的意思  每次卻萌起一股莫名的傷感

回想起從前的一些事情  心裡頭浮現出
寂寞 失落 徬徨 後悔
快樂的時光幾乎變得很瑣碎

每年生日許的願望就是能夠天天快樂
聽起來很無聊  但對我而言卻是個很難達成的願望
今年應該失靈了吧  還是這本來就不可能實現？

是我本身太悲觀嗎？ 又或許是愛把自己扮個可憐樣來自我同情？

我真的沒把握
i feel as if i am losing grip of life…