pages out of a mediocre existence

I am sick of getting my hopes up for NOTHING. July 16, 2013

Pretty much sums up my feelings these past months.

Maybe I’m idealistic for thinking that if you show interest, work hard and perform considerably well… the people around you will take notice and give you opportunities to learn more.

I can’t stop myself from being interested in this area. After all, I have decided that this will become my lifelong career path. I can’t stop myself from working hard. After all, when you are interested in something you would WANT to work hard for it right? And I do think I am performing well, or at least up to expectations.

So why can’t my career ever be smooth sailing for me?

I can’t help but feel envious, irritated and frustrated that I have to work doubly hard to get what I earned, while others just got lucky. My “opportunity” comes with a price and while I am “in debt”, I cannot accept any of the other “free” opportunities that came along.

I am not even gonna talk about other matters with regards to training and whatnots. 

Back in May when I first found out that I would be “sacrificed”, I was upset. I think it was heartless to just leave ONE person behind while everyone else went for “retreat. Am I not part of the team? It hurts ‘cos I always work hard, both as an individual and as a team player. But no one batted an eyelid when it came to leaving me behind. After some time, I persuaded myself I was staying behind for good reason and moved on.

Today when I heard that I was not the one attending, I tried very hard but failed in trying not to be upset. No one informed me and I felt incredibly stupid for still being hopeful that I might be able to attend. It was akin to falling flat on your face. I was really excited that they are finally conducting a training workshop for this. After missing this opportunity, how long more do I have to wait for something like this to spring up again? Am I being “sacrificed” again since I am a more “senior” trainee? What good is there in your ability to perform better other than to be exploited and taken advantage of?

It is not fair to use my “paid for” opportunity against me. I PAID for it!!! I WORKED and FOUGHT for it!!! 

Perhaps it’s better to learn slower and look lost so that people will look out for you?

I am disappointed and tired. 

The red that is, Chihayafuru November 16, 2012

瀬をはやみ 岩にせかるる 滝川の われても末に 逢はむとぞ思ふ

Swift waters parted by the jagged rocks are joined at river’s end. Though the stream is divided by a boulder in its swift flow, I know the twain will soon unite again.***

Anime has, once again, found its way back into my life.

There’s always so much you can learn from anime, especially an insight into Japan’s unique culture and social context.

I’m the sucker for culture and ancient traditions… so when I chanced upon Chihayafuru, which revolves around a competitive card game called karuta, i’m sold. And it certainly helps that the characters are well developed, which gives me plenty to root for. So much so that I’m SHIPPING. Gah, I hardly ever ship a coupling in manga/anime. Yikes.

***#77 of the Ogura 100 poems, which karuta players had to memorize and appreciate. This poem is of special significance to my shipped coupling as they are depicted as the Orihime/Hikoboshi, lovers who are separated and only come to meet once a year. Ah, the literary nuances are killing me!!!

I’m just hot linking these lovely AMVs for my own viewing pleasure.
And I’ll come back with a nice after thoughts post about the anime when I’m less hormonal :p

天下没有不散的宴席 September 20, 2012

“天下没有不散的宴席”

this was a phrase mum always uses to console me when i feel sad at school graduations. i guess i never fully experienced a true parting as i kept in touch with most of my friends.

i never would have expected myself to have grown so attached to my clique at work. such that as we start to go our separate ways, i start to feel really depressed. that it’s becoming a reality we won’t see each other everyday at work anymore. no more bb tea after work at KOI. no more bitching about internal clients. no more talking plush toys. no more accompanying each other for OT. no more poking fun at each other’s faults.

SIGHS. i don’t want to get left behind.

i need to do something about it.