pages out of a mediocre existence

this did it for me

Funny how once I stumble back here, I’ll do a double-triple posting. Yet after a while I just wander off and conveniently forget about the existence of this place. Goes to show how short my attention span is/has become.

In fact, there had been many instances whereby I’d felt compelled to blog. Obviously not entirely private (this is the World Wide Web, afterall),  yet I’ve always regarded this place as my little haven to share my trivial ramblings away from the masses. At least I thought so since I can count on one hand the number of people who knows about the existence of this place and the low visitorship (yes, i monitor closely). Lately I find it increasingly hard to clear my mind, to accurately summarize my thoughts into words and summon the energy to type them out here. Life has certainly caught up to me. You know you really need that outlet, and yet you just cannot find the time for release. It’s sad.

And I digress. The main point for this post wasn’t this anyway. Ha. (more…)

i’m glad 2009 is over.
many things happened, and a couple still leaves a bad aftertaste.

now entering into the 8th week of my new phase in life.
everything’s been dandy but i don’t think i’ve adjusted well enough considering the long ‘hiatus’ i had prior to it. the moment i reach home, my body hurls itself onto the mattress. at times, i don’t feel like i have a social life anymore. it’s probably willful for me to say this, but i really hate being an adult. though it’s not like anyone can escape growing up but i miss student life a lot. all the nitty-gritties of adulthood is zapping the life out of me.

looking ahead towards 2010… i don’t think i have anything in particular to look forward to. decided to just take one step at a time, smell the roses and see how everything pans out.

看著窗外的傾盆大雨… 我的心也在下雨。

2009年, 對我來說, 好像一場暴風雨。
而事到如今, 這場災難還未平息。

這一棵被吹得快摧殘的樹, 還能站立多久呢？
每一次的奮鬥, 每一次的掙扎… 似乎都一場空。

它真的累了。

i really do hate to be in a state of uncertainty. it stirs up feelings of uneasiness and negativity, often turning me into a touchy irritable emo monster.

and i’ve learnt to keep my hopes down.
was pretty hopeful the previous time but turned out to be nothing in the end. i may not have told anyone but i was in fact, devastated. this time round, i don’t feel optimistic at all — firstly to save myself from crashing down hard to earth and secondly, because i genuinely feel i didn’t do well enough to convince them to hire me.

this is the last of the ‘offered chances’ and if i were to be unsuccessful once again, i’ll have nothing to fall back on. and the cycle resumes, only that it’s been looping for almost 4 months.

am trying my best not to be disheartened. of course, it’s undeniable that a part of me shatters in the aftermath of an interview in which i get no response. but i am not sure how much longer i can keep this up. i feel myself becoming more of a wreck as each day rolls by. mentally, emotionally, financially.

“The passions of our youths, are in the end, reduced to whatever works.” — Boris Yellnikoff, Whatever Works

i’m confused — should i abandon my aspirations and settle for anything? or should i persevere? but as i look to this quote from Woody Allen’s “Whatever Works” as a referendum, there is some truth in it.

i am at my wit’s end. enlightenment, anyone?