pages out of a mediocre existence

看著窗外的傾盆大雨… 我的心也在下雨。

2009年, 對我來說, 好像一場暴風雨。
而事到如今, 這場災難還未平息。

這一棵被吹得快摧殘的樹, 還能站立多久呢？
每一次的奮鬥, 每一次的掙扎… 似乎都一場空。

它真的累了。

i really do hate to be in a state of uncertainty. it stirs up feelings of uneasiness and negativity, often turning me into a touchy irritable emo monster.

and i’ve learnt to keep my hopes down.
was pretty hopeful the previous time but turned out to be nothing in the end. i may not have told anyone but i was in fact, devastated. this time round, i don’t feel optimistic at all — firstly to save myself from crashing down hard to earth and secondly, because i genuinely feel i didn’t do well enough to convince them to hire me.

this is the last of the ‘offered chances’ and if i were to be unsuccessful once again, i’ll have nothing to fall back on. and the cycle resumes, only that it’s been looping for almost 4 months.

am trying my best not to be disheartened. of course, it’s undeniable that a part of me shatters in the aftermath of an interview in which i get no response. but i am not sure how much longer i can keep this up. i feel myself becoming more of a wreck as each day rolls by. mentally, emotionally, financially.

“The passions of our youths, are in the end, reduced to whatever works.” — Boris Yellnikoff, Whatever Works

i’m confused — should i abandon my aspirations and settle for anything? or should i persevere? but as i look to this quote from Woody Allen’s “Whatever Works” as a referendum, there is some truth in it.

i am at my wit’s end. enlightenment, anyone?

像盲目的季節來來回回，
不管黑夜怎麼長，白晝總會到來。
就像沒有路的森林衝破了天，
終於了解，生命必須有裂縫，陽光才照得進來

還未到來。將要，未來。
就快未來。

~蘇打綠 《近未來》

我還在尋找著   期待著……
i feel myself sinking deeper into darkness as the days roll by.

一直很想到該店chill out   21.09.09終於了了這個願望
跟我所想像的沒什麼落差   很有藝術氣息   很casual的角落
我們六位小姐就窩了數小時   那悠哉閒在的感覺   很珍貴

很僥倖的   當天店主安排了《盛夏光年》的播映

06年的作品   當時很遺憾沒機會觀看(忘了其中的原因)
表面上看似平凡的文藝片   當中隱藏了許多小細節
基本上, 對我而言, 是部很細膩 thought-provoking show

每一幕營造出來的mood   演員的神情   都是關鍵
帶著疑惑的心情離開   不解ending也不解兩位男主角對彼此的感覺
後來發現dvd切掉了很重要的一幕   對, 是那備受爭議的床戲
我懂現今社會對性愛的濫用   但那一幕太關鍵了
知情後  恍然大悟   但也把三角的關係弄的更複雜

很偏愛這一類電影   尤其在保守的新加坡   很少有人願意公開談論性傾向
總覺得我們太sheltered   我想打破變成井底蛙的惡運

we managed to secure seats to a free lecture and demonstration of “Rakugo in English” by Mr. Katsura Kaishi, an initiative by the Embassy of Japan in Singapore as a pre-event for the opening of the Japan Creative Centre.

which obviously was a great cultural enlightenment on my part
(and most definitely a lot of others watching)
never heard of Rakugo; only knew it would be some sort of comedy.
turns out that Rakugo is traditional form of Japanese comedy using story-telling with almost 400 years of history!

because i am lazy, this is lifted from trusty wiki:

Rakugo (落語 literally “fallen words”) is a Japanese verbal entertainment. The lone storyteller (Rakugoka, 落語家) sits on the stage, called the Kōza (高座). Using only a paper fan (扇子, “sensu”) and a small cloth (手拭, “tenugui”) as props, and without standing up from the seiza sitting position, the rakugo artist depicts a long and complicated comical story. The story always involves the dialogue of two or more characters, the difference between the characters depicted only through change in pitch, tone, and a slight turn of the head.

Mr. Katsura telling one of the jokes he told us that night: